I have a shocking conspiracy theory to reveal to you all today. Now I fear revealing this on the internet as I may no longer be here within the next few hours, smuggled away by angry Italian-Americans in sharp, pin-stripe suits and trilbys, who will tie me to a chair, interrogate me and force me to eat platters. Because the truth is I know that the restaurant chain Frankie and Benny’s have been bugging me.
They are clearly tapping into my conversations. Whilst I’m sharing innocent words with my friends and colleagues, a chap called Mario is sat nearby in a van with a satellite dish on top of it, listening into my words and taking evidence.
How do I know this? Well it’s the only explanation I have for what I call the Frankie and Benny’s birthday effect.
I have never been into a Frankie and Benny’s – and when I say never, I mean never - without half-way through a meal experiencing the familiar conventions of the lights dimming, the background music changing and the dulcet tones of ‘Happy Birthday For You’ breaking out over the speaker system.
Now you may not think this is particularly weird; surely somewhere like Frankie and Benny’s is just the perfect place for people of all ages to celebrate the anniversary of their birth and so it is likely always to happen, and it’s just coincident it’s happened every time and not evidence of a weird conspiracy theory.
But I disagree. And how do I know? Because of last night.
Having enjoyed the film ‘Wreck It Ralph’ with two friends we decided to go for something to eat in the eighty-minute gap we had before the next film. We chose to eat at Frankie and Benny’s across the Leisure Exchange in Bradford but we realised that they, alongside Pizza Hut and Nandos, were pretty busy. We joked as we crossed the forecourt about my birthday party theory before entering the establishment and telling the gentleman on the door about our request for a table for three. He said it would be a twenty minute wait, something we could not afford with the next film showing looming over us. As I finished my anecdote about birthdays and realised we should try somewhere else less busy, having literally been only in the building for fifteen seconds of a one-minute visit, the lights dimmed and the familiar strains of ‘Happy Birthday To You’ played out.
Once more I had failed to enter the establishment without hearing the tune.
And if that’s not proof that the restaurant chain is bugging my conversations and waiting for me to enter their establishment I don’t know what is.
Frankie and Benny’s, I am onto you. The police have been informed! :-p
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