Ho Ho Ho…w early? This year’s Christmas adverts – the verdict! Part One

Yes, I’m fully aware it is still only November but, if you watch commercial television, you can’t have failed to have noticed the glut of shops thrusting their 2011 Christmas adverts in your face. So which are cracking and which are turkeys? Let’s find out.

Marks and Spencer aka “It Hasn’t Got The X-Factor”



Now, I need some clarification with this. Is it advertising Britain’s premium food and clothing shop or is it a sixty-second love letter and free publicity to the X-Factor? Yes, the good old Marks and Sparks adverts have often featured celebrities but no one quite this, erm, current. I can’t deny their version of the Disney classic ‘When You Wish Upon A Star’ is good, if not a little bit scatter gun because of the range of the voices.

Already staying current has bitten them in the behind as Frankie, who has now left the X Factor because of snow of a different kind, it’s had to be edited from the version above.

With footage of the X Factor finalists mixed in with the necessary cross section of demographics unwrapping presents, I would say it doesn’t necessarily feel that Christmassy to me. Or maybe it’s because it’s still mid-November.

Not a bad advert but it doesn’t really have the X-Factor. [4 / 10]

Ann Summers, aka “Phwoar-ing but Boring”



Taking the form of another sort of talent competition, this advert will not surprise you. Consisting of everything you’d think would appear in an Ann Summers advert: slow motion cameras showing various aspects of their bodies, sexy underwear, provocative dancemoves, a rabbit (no, a real one, not *that* one) I wouldn’t say it’s particularly Christmassy. There’s no tinsel or trees to be seen, no snow sensually rubbed off flesh and no sign of any kissing under the mistletoe.

I’m not going to complain about two minutes and ten seconds of scantily clad amateur models appearing on my TV screen and, you know, if this was what Christmas is about I’m not going to moan either, but it’s not particular festive beyond the heavy use of the colour red. And the least said about the dance / techno backing music the better, unless Santa has invested in a pair of decks and Tracktor. [4/10]

John Lewis, aka “Nice Twist, Shame about the Morrissey”



To be honest, I could stop writing about this record after revealing its first achievement in that the cover of a Smiths song actually makes it sound good, even if it’s as depressing a song as you expect from a Morrissey penned ditty. Frankly, Santa would find himself on valium listening to this tune.

The advert sets up a simple story of a boy waiting around, not for something to actually happen in the video as I initially expected, but for Christmas so he can give a present to his parents, a neat twist on the expectation that he’s waiting for Christmas. The story is told well and the little twist is great and it’s the most Christmas-y of the adverts so far, capturing that excitement of Christmas Day you have as a kid.

Just pick a more cheerful song next time, John Lewis. Ellie Goulding’s murdering of the Elton John classic last year should have been enough for you! [6/10]

Littlewoods, aka “Anti-men, Illusion shattering Urban pantomime”



Santa is dead. That is according to this Littlewood’s advert. No longer is it a jolly fat man dressed in red who comes down your chimney, leaves you gifts and then sods off with his magical flying reindeer. No, it’s your mum. In her old slippers, with a mug of coffee in her hand and a sense of worry over the credit card bill rattling around in her head.

Laying thanks to Christmas at the door of mums everywhere instead of Santa – and, of course, fuelling the anti-feminists with the sentiment that, of course, no dads do the present shopping – it takes the form of a school pantomime where instead of celebrating the birth of Christ in a gorgeous nativity scene or perhaps recreating the three bears, the kids all grasp hold of the commercial side of Christmas with talk of X-Box consoles and watches. Oh, and let’s not forget to street it up with the token black child and the obligatory street hand gesture. Bo.

So within forty seconds we get sexism, casual racial stereotyping, and the shattering of the fantasy of Santa’s exciting. Great work Littlewoods. At least the song is catchy though, but mostly thanks to the amount of people in the audience whose names luckily rhyme. [3/10]

Boots, aka “Mission Charlie’s Angels Impossible”



With a cracking adaptation of the established Boots / Sugababes “Girls” theme to make it sound like it has come straight out of a James Bond film, this is possible the wittiest and most interesting advert so far this year, with lots of shots of the aforementioned girls planting presents around without being spotted before achieving a white Christmas through the use of a snow cannon and enough lights to cripple your electricity budget for the next ten millennia.

With enough movie pastiches to keep even the most ardent movie fan happy, it’s not very traditionally Christmas but at least it has snow and fairy lights. And a happy, up-tempo, tune. About fifty percent there on the festive stakes. [6.5/10]

I’ll be reviewing more adverts soon but at the moment none of the above come anywhere close to the ultimate festive classic…